


what i knew but didn't tell you.

by tobiosmama



Series: what we could be but we didn't [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Friends With Benefits, Light Angst, M/M, POV Oikawa Tooru
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:02:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27061630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tobiosmama/pseuds/tobiosmama
Summary: Oikawa knew that he gave in more ways than one; he only wishes that Iwaizumi would be the same.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime & Oikawa Tooru
Series: what we could be but we didn't [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1975069
Kudos: 19





	what i knew but didn't tell you.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Just a passer-by, re-uploading the works that she deleted and will continue on (as it's a series) if time permits. Hehehe. 
> 
> Writing this fic was a fun experience; I hope you enjoy reading it, as much as I enjoyed working on it. :)
> 
> [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/77zj6L7sZoRNcA5gET3DIA?si=nwsENnuiTn2M2-D8pWJoPg) (ps: don't shuffle for better listening experience ☺)
> 
> enjoy!!

The sunlight hits the room and Oikawa Tooru slowly opens his eyes. 

It was later than his usual time in the morning and there was work that needed to be done; maybe a few laps of running too, but the comfort of lying peacefully on Iwaizumi’s bed makes it harder for him to leave.

His certain ease faded when he felt the soreness as he moved - which reminded him he was not there for that kind of sleepover. Oikawa knew the consequences of this set-up they established. However, his lips moved before he realized the choice he made.

He was distracted by the soft rustling of sheets and the way Iwaizumi turned to his view, with his eyes still closed. Oikawa resists the urge to run his index finger to his sleeping face and wonders how he's still in awe every time the morning sun smiles upon Iwaizumi Hajime. 

It complimented the sun-kissed glow that Iwaizumi always had, and how it reminded Oikawa of the childhood summer they spent together. It was the feeling of the wind on his face as he ran further to the end of their street, the sun radiating through the trees forming patch-like shadows of leaves against their skin, and the overflowing giddiness in his body when Iwaizumi opened their door after pressing three consistent (and persistent) doorbells to watch the volleyball broadcast.

Much to his reminiscing, Oikawa tenderly runs his index finger to trace Iwaizumi’s cheek, where it was once filled with his baby fat and the deepest blush of pink. The latter sleepily leaned to his touch - Oikawa held his breath for a few milliseconds, caught between staying where he is or let go. 

He chose the latter.

Oikawa moved around with the slightest noise, picking up his discarded clothes on the floor that eventually led him to the missing pair of his socks. He steps out of Iwaizumi’s room with a certain caution, not wanting to make any more noise than the creaking wooden floor. It was an asshole move, yet he’s always been one, might as well live up to it.

There was a sigh of relief when he managed to leave his apartment without waking him up. Not that it matters because Iwaizumi knows where to find him and Oikawa knows that this will happen again when they're horny or needy or maybe a bit of both. Someone will give in, one way or another. 

It was unfair because Oikawa Tooru knew he had surrendered in more ways than one.

* * *

He had done the impossible by doing everything with hard work. He wasn’t born a genius; he simply and diligently polished his talent with all that he’s got. Whether it was in Japan, in Argentina, or the world, he will make sure everyone will remember his pride.

And when he returned for his two-week break from Argentina, his pride led him to Iwaizumi’s apartment in Tokyo and what should have been a one-time thing became an arrangement every time he’s in Japan.

Now that Oikawa will be around longer than he’d anticipated it to be, he wanted to face his feelings and the man who never turned his back on him.

What better way to do that than drown himself with alcohol?

“That’s your third bottle,” Iwaizumi tells him. He gives him a stink eye, as he drinks the remains of the third one. “You know too much alcohol is bad for your health”

“You know very well I’ve done a lot of bad things.” He shakes his head a bit, hoping all that movement can take out his nearing drunkness. Oikawa tells himself he needed to be sober. His eyes trailed on Iwaizumi’s scrunched face—annoyed, confused, all directed at him in the typical Iwaizumi fashion.

“Oh, loosen up.” Oikawa cleared his throat, tried the best sitting posture he could muster. “The season is not even starting yet. Let me have some fun, mom.” He heard himself giggle. Great, he’s getting tipsy - everything is in two’s in this restaurant, from the menu to the plates in front of him.

Iwaizumi muttered something that sounded like a curse. “What did you say, Iwa-chan? Sorry, didn’t hear the last bit.” 

That was it; he knows he’s about to get drunk.

Iwaizumi raised his hands in defeat but God, Oikawa hates how he looks at him - his eyes filled with worry and nothing but sincerity. Oikawa knows he means it all, that what he said is true. He’s worried, as he has always been. 

Oikawa feels Iwaizumi’s lips touch his ear. “You okay?” 

It wasn’t necessary because the place isn’t that loud but Iwaizumi made their distance too close for a friend but still less for a lover.

He answers him with a “Hmm, never been better.” that sounded like a purr.

Iwaizumi casually drops “You were gone when I woke up this morning”, like answering what his favorite breakfast was. His index finger is playing on the rim of his bottle, a sign that he was getting a bit nervous. 

Oikawa sighed, rubbing his face with his free hand. “I needed to go somewhere.” which was a lie, he didn’t need to go anywhere. “Apparently, someone’s in a deep sleep that he didn’t even hear me slam the door.”

“We both know you suck at lying when caught,” Iwaizumi takes a sip on his drink. “I was awake at that time you bolted out my apartment.”

“And you didn’t stop me,” Oikawa said, as a matter of fact.

“If I wanted to, I would’ve done it the first time.” Iwaizumi answered, his voice wasn’t on any verge of breaking. He was right.

God, Oikawa hates it when Iwaizumi is never wrong.

When he finally had the courage to look ahead, Iwaizumi’s gaze was on him. Oikawa feels the gravitational pull; the one thing that he can never ignore between them is the one that always pulls him back. As much as he likes to run greater miles, his feet are tied up to the ground where Iwaizumi is and right now, it’s telling him to stay.

There was a silent plea that screamed in Oikawa’s eyes: Tell me to stay.

Iwaizumi didn’t need to say anything because his eyes--his ever-honest and full of conviction eyes--had the answer and Oikawa knew. Goddamn it, he always knew.

He drank what’s left of his bottle and gathered all the courage he can muster and whispered “let’s do it again, Iwa-chan.”

Before Oikawa could touch him, Iwaizumi flinched and stood from his seat. The view made his chest constrict. His worst fears are piling up—the fear of rejection, the pride he nurtured to protect—is breaking. He can feel his impending doom, just by the feeling of his tears about to burst. His brain is chanting no, that’s not it.

“You’re pretty ugly when you cry.” was all Iwaizumi said, with a hint of softness that was only reserved for Oikawa and his handkerchief ready for him to take.

“Let’s go to your place.”

* * *

Oikawa doesn’t mind what others think of him, as long as he gets what he wants. So, the moment he decided to end whatever it was between them, the first thing that came out of his mouth was an invitation and Iwaizumi accepted it, as he always does.

The way he taunted him as Iwaizumi pinned him on the wall, tracing the shape of his lips with his tongue, knowing how much of his dominance sends Oikawa to the pits of hell. He remembers that January night of the first time they kissed; it was messy, drunk and everything seems to be on fire between their touches. It was also enchanting, vibrant and so good that it didn’t feel like it was Iwaizumi’s first kiss then.

Their hands are everywhere on each other, taking off their clothes like they’re running out of time. “Iwa,” he tries to say in between kisses, his hands pressing on Iwaizumi’s shoulder pushing him away. The latter started nipping his neck, which made him moan. “No marks, please.”

He can feel Iwaizumi’s smirk on his body as he placed soft, teasing kisses until he reached his shaft, giving a slow, teasing stroke that made Oikawa bite his lip. He felt Iwaizumi’s moves slow down, leaning down to give him another open-mouthed kiss. 

He grabbed Iwaizumi’s face between his hands and kissed him back with the same feeling as if answering back. It tastes of desperation, passion, and conveying messages that they can never say out loud.

Iwaizumi said his name in a hushed tone; too low for the world to hear, a secret no one could know. He’s not sure if he was crying because he was being teased or because he knows this is the end.

And when the morning comes tomorrow, he will remember Iwaizumi’s golden glow under the moonlight and how he ran his hands through his hair as he took him to see the stars. 

* * *

Oikawa is familiar with the deafening silence within the four corners of his room. It was his constant companion on a secret that the world is not aware of; from his bottled up feelings, the late-night phone conversations, and the moments where he would secretly run his fingers to the shape of his face when Iwaizumi is in his deep sleep.

Today, he decided to be honest on the day where everything is either a prank or a big joke.

He leaned back to his bed, his blanket wrapped around his body. The marks Iwaizumi made last night are still intact and they won’t be going away soon. Oikawa could say the same about his feelings. 

A couple of minutes left before Iwaizumi opens his eyes and a few moments to spare before his heart breaks further.

When Iwaizumi opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was Oikawa looking out the window with a sad expression on his face.

“It’s too early for that face, Oikawa.” 

His morning voice was too tempting and too deep that every fiber of his being wanted to have his way with him again. If he’s not thinking straight, he would’ve climbed on his lap and ride him until he begs him to stop. 

Oikawa gave him a small grin. “Good morning to you, too. Iwa-chan,” There was a small pang in his heart when he said his name. “Did you know? Today’s April Fools Day.”

“Oh, is it?” Iwaizumi grabbed his phone, checked the time and the date himself. He was quiet as Iwaizumi browsed through, but his peripheral vision caught the subject of what looked like an important email.

“Irvine, California?” Oikawa read what looked like an email for rented apartments in the city. He doesn’t give a damn if Iwaizumi can see that he was looking at his phone too. His vision shifted to his phone, then back to Iwaizumi. “Are you going on vacation or something?”

Iwaizumi placed his phone down and grabbed a cigarette on Oikawa’s bedside table. He exhaled a smoke, groaning because it’s been a while since he last smoked which only happens when the stress is unbearable. 

“Not a vacation, really,” he said, blowing another smoke to the ceiling. “More of a Master’s program. I’ll be studying there under a scholarship, too.”

Oh. 

He has prepared himself for the worst, but not this. This was not part of the scenario that he came up with. This wasn’t it. Not Iwaizumi leaving the place where he was grounded, where he is consistently growing.

“Oikawa,” Iwaizumi distracted him from his thoughts. “You’re quiet. What’s wrong?”

“I-” He bit his lower lip to think of what to say-stop from saying anything else. “I didn’t know about this.”

“I was going to let you know last night,” he said, pulling another cigarette which Oikawa took from him, placing it in between his own lips, puffing smoke of his own. “We got a little side-tracked.”

“I believe rail-roaded is the right term.” 

Iwaizumi chuckles, taking a deep breath afterward. “That we are. For how long?”

“Seven years.” Oikawa flicks the ash out of his cigarette, almost burning a hole on his blanket. “It was so long that I fell in love with you.”

His voice didn’t have any hint of surprise; it was so casual and collected, yet so defeated but accepting, too. It wasn’t as dramatic as what he imagined it would be.

Iwaizumi turned to his direction, with his head leaning on his knees. His eyes didn’t lie; he wasn’t surprised, and the way a small smile is playing on his lips tells him that Iwaizumi had been in love with him for quite some time, too. 

But Iwaizumi just isn’t anymore — not when he was about to go and plant his ground somewhere he can grow even bigger, and better, especially when Oikawa’s too late.

“I’m sorry.” Iwaizumi’s voice is filled with nothing but sincerity and a certain gentleness that made Oikawa’s heart clench. The latter reached for his hand, held it on his for a few seconds before he had the courage to speak again.

“Not your fault, Iwa-chan.” he simply said, lifting Iwaizumi’s hand to lean the back of his palm and touch his own cheek. Iwaizumi was looking at him with care, trying to gauge when he would cry.

He doesn’t, but it would’ve been better if he did.

Oikawa was about to lose Iwaizumi either way, might as well retain his pride, which is the one thing he will remember him by. “Lighten up already.” he throws the pillow to his face. Sighing in defeat, he picks up his discarded clothes on the floor. Oikawa watches intently as he does so. 

It’s the last time he will see him like this; he might as well take everything he can to memory. When their eyes meet, Iwaizumi’s gaze doesn't change. He still looks at him like he is the most important thing in his life.

That was his sign — Oikawa stepped out of his bed in a hurry, and grabbed Iwaizumi’s arm. He knows that he will not push him away, not when he looks at him like that. 

“Iwa-chan,” He envelops him in his arms, his lips on his ear and his voice trembling. Oikawa finds the right words to say in any language that he knew - as long as he can tell him before he leaves him for good. His hands are shivering as he holds together, Iwaizumi does the same but instead, he lightly soothes Oikawa’s back, encouraging him to say the words that can free them both.

_“Tienes todo mi corazón ”_

He didn’t understand that, of course, and that’s what Oikawa intended to be. Iwaizumi will forever wonder, so if the time comes that he wants to know, Oikawa will tell him properly.

You have all my heart.

* * *

Oikawa looks from his bedroom window, as he watches Iwaizumi walk away. 

That’s when the pain started to move, leaving him cold and defenseless again. He fidgets around his room, looking back and forth to his window. Oikawa tells himself that if Iwaizumi looks back, maybe they can try again.

Maybe have one last fuck or one last kiss, just a bit more until he’s satisfied—until he won’t ask for anything than to be beside him everywhere he goes. Maybe not a last but a first. A first date and another first kiss after—

He slaps both sides of his face, takes a deep breath to calm himself. It’s not over yet for Oikawa Tooru. He has merely begun.

He could go on and on with his if’s and maybe’s, let it fill his heart to give him peace but what they were, what Iwaizumi felt, and what Oikawa feels remains a maybe. 

But he is sure that he won’t let this hold him back, just like how Iwaizumi didn’t let him hold back on his.

Oikawa draws his curtains to a close.

**Author's Note:**

> comments are always appreciated x  
> yell @ me on my twitter: @tobiosamuu 🐤


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